July 16, 2005: It's on-location research, really

So, with the entire country of Scotland at his disposal, why did Bush decide to take his Scottish/G8 bike ride on a golf course of all places (See July 7, 2005: Reverse-engineering for truth)?

Seeking answers along the North Sea

When I first read about the Malfeagles in Gleneagles, the question of riding venue seemed relatively innocuous, one not likely to further the subjective aims of my CycleGate cover-up investigation. But the more I mulled it over, the more his choice of cycling venues seemed completely indicative of the entire Bush cycling myth that the White House and Main Stream Media (MSM) continue to present to us as reality.

In the United States, ski runs often serve as downhill mountain bike courses and golf courses often host cross-country running races, so in Scotland, do golf courses commonly serve double-duty as mountain bike courses? Is that why Bush chose to pump his pedals within the stately, manicured grounds of Gleneagles instead of the glorious Scottish countryside?

Or is it because golf courses are the true seat of power in the military/industrialized free world? Might it be because Bush only feels comfortable when he is surrounded by rich, white, rich people? Could it be that he doesn't have the balls or the true mountain biking spirit to take the risk of exploring a new route? Maybe Bush isn't that skilled of a bike rider and the White House has just been conducting a pervasive disinformation campaign intended to get the American public to believe something that isn't true?

As a card-carrying member of the cycling underground, and as the only member of the American press interested in asking the tough questions about CycleGate, I knew I had a duty to the international cycling community to fully investigate this angle of the story.

To this end, it was imperative that I attend the British Open Golf Tournament in St. Andrews, Scotland. Such a boondog--, er such an on-location research excursion would give context to the CycleGate story by providing background information about the inherent riding conditions of Scottish golf courses, a heretofore unexamined element of the story.

Deep background, I swear
Not a very challenging course, for cyclists

Initially, the Sweep the Blog, Johnny! Editorial Board (The Board) didn't see it my way. Despite my impassioned calls for journalistic integrity, completely transparent arguments about what hard work it would be, and shameless offers to wear a STB,J! advertising sandwich board while at The Open, The Board seemed unconvinced that The Open had any relevance to the original story. Eventually I wore the tossers down though, and they agreed to fund one day's attendance at The Open for myself and my Board liaison, JB.

On the drive out to St. Andrews, JB started to poke holes in my golf course conspiracy theory. Actually, I wasn't sure what the conspiracy was yet, but if it involved Bush, I knew there had to be one.

"Maybe he chose to ride on the Gleneagles course because that's where he was staying for the G8 conference and it was the most convenient locale" she offered.

"He's the POTUS" I countered, "how difficult would it have been to throw his bike into a helicopter and go. He could be anywhere in Scotland within minutes!" No, the convenience factor, while logical, didn't convince me.

"How about the fact that because he is the POTUS, it may be difficult to find secure places for him to ride" JB speculated.

OK, this line of discussion was not going well. "I'm trying to build a case for a massive conspiratorial cover-up here" I sputtered, "and you're logical, reasonable, and maddeningly plausible suggestions are dumping all over my journalistic dreams."

While I slumped over in my seat sulking, JB spent the next few minutes talking in hushed tones on her cell phone. I couldn't hear what she was saying, but she kept looking from the cell phone to me and nodding. Finally, with a grim and determined look on her face, she said, "Yes, I understand, . . . with extreme prejudice" and snapped the phone shut.

"The Board has serious concerns about this story, and they want assurances that you will not embarrass STB,J! while we're at St. Andrews" she stated matter-of-factly.

"I'm sorry madame," I huffed, "but I cannot make any assurances against the pursuit of truth, and furthermore, I will never let the corrosive and insidious pressure of boardroom posturing color my reporting." Damn it felt good to be a gangster.

"Yeah, they thought you might start in with that TruthMaker bullshit," she smirked, "so you either agree to toe their line, or the rest of the trip is on your bill."

"But, but, they know I can't afford the truth on my salary, they know that" I protested.

JB just shrugged and smiled. I made a mental note to start an investigation of the STB,J! board when I got home. Something was definitely rotten in Menlo Park.

After wandering around the Old Course at St. Andrews for only a few minutes, I had my angle for today's column. Golf courses, especially exclusive ones like Gleneagles or any course hosting a PGA major, are about privilege, power, access, and money: the four horsemen of the Republicalypse.

The Old Course is beautiful and you can feel the soul of the game as you walk the links. With its brown grass and simple design, the course itself has an inviting, proletarian feel. But it is a captive to the four horsemen. Everywhere there are barriers and signs and security personnel to remind you that unless you know the secret handshake, you must stay outside the ropes with the unwashed masses. While the common folk stand for hours, jostling for a split-second glimpse of their favorite golfing millionaire, all sorts of VIPs, aristocrats, and privileged ones traipse around inside the ropes, flaunting their unlimited access and thoroughly enjoying the privileged life a mere 15 feet from some poor nutter from Perth who just spent an entire week's salary to stand for hours and hours staking out a spot along the ropes in hopes of watching Colin Montgomerie birdie the 11th hole, only to have a flock of insiders show up and completely block his view 30 seconds before Monty putts.

Not even a member of the STB,J! Board could get inside the ropes . . .
. . . so they certainly weren't going to let this kind of riff-raff in

So the whole golf course thing is starting to make a little more sense. Hampered by both his peabrain and his oppressive handlers, Bush apparently likes to ride only on mellow, prescreened courses with which he is comfortable and familiar, course like the ones in Crawford, Camp David, and Pautauxen. Has anybody ever heard of Bush riding his bike anywhere else? Yeah, yeah, I know, he has to ride these closed courses for security reasons. Well, if we weren't pouring all of our money into the sands of Iraq, maybe there'd be a few rubles left over to provide him with enough security to ride an actual mountain bike course.

Again, I am willing to accept that he is an avid rider, but let's not go overboard and anoint him as the Mountain Biker in Chief just yet. I have yet to read about him riding any serious mountains (and I'm not talking about the mountains of Crawford as this insipid article tries to make out of molehills [subnote, read this article thoroughly and then you tell me that Bush is a "hard-core" and "accomplished" mountain biker]), or even singletrack.

Based on my research, I'm not sure he has ever ridden any singletrack. One can hardly be referred to as a "hard-core" mountain biker without ever sampling the sweetest and most challenging of cycling fruits. To recap, no mountains, no singletrack, and rides with only suck-up reporters, "yes" men, and SS agents (who Scott McClellan, Trent Duffy, and other drones claim he can blow away, but in reality are probably just letting the POTUS beat them like spineless corporate VPs intentionally taking a dive out on the golf course to win points with the boss by making him look good.) -- to me, that equates to a recreational cyclist who enjoys cycling but lacks anything more than superficial cycling skills. A far cry from the images we get from the White House and the MSM.

Bush and his cronies are unabashed elitists (all efforts to spin him as some brush-clearing Texas good ole boy man of the people not withstanding [by the way, first off, Reagan already did the brush-clearing stunt, so Bush isn't even original enough to get his own fake schtick, and secondly, how much freakin' brush can possibly be left on that ranch? I bet they have a special brush field set aside on the ranch to ensure that whenever Bush needs a bump in his poll ratings among white male high school dropouts from Oklahoma and Wyoming or 35-65 year-old females with absentee husbands who read Harlequin romance novels and dream of being swept off their feet by a strong, drawlin' cowboy, there will always be plenty of brush to clear]), and so where else would he choose to ride but Scotland's most exclusive private golf course, Gleneagles.

So what did the side trip out to St. Andrews add to the CycleGate story? It confirmed that, like his politics, Bush is not interested in an open and free exploration of all options and possibilities. Instead, when it comes to mountain biking, he chooses comfortable, easy rides that are guaranteed to offer little resistance. The White House spokesmen and their MSM hand puppets do far more vigorous spinning on Bush's rides than he does.

Background research into Scottish golf courses indicates that . . .
. . . the Bush cycling legend may just be a lot of hot air

My research today also confirmed that Bush isn't really that good of a bike rider. Scottish golf courses are relatively flat, very wide open, and compared to American courses, fairly uncrowded. Yet Bush, riding through a private course, within the safety of his SS bubble, on a paved path, still couldn't keep the rubber side down. You tell me, what am I missing here?

Mileage:  Time:  Avg:  Max:  Weight: 

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