July 13, 2005: Stop the press(es)!

Breaking News

Citing a need for America and the world to know what really happened that gray, chilly day out in the rolling Scottish hills, the Editorial Board of Sweep the Blog, Johnny! has decided to send yours truly on investigative assignment to Scotland.

Gleneagles is ground zero in this controversy

The STB,J! Editorial Board, which convened an emergency meeting this evening, determined that there are just too many questions left unanswered about the President's cycling mishap at the Gleneagles Golf Course in central Scotland on July 6, 2005. Because of my relationship with the POTUS (See May 14, 2005: Poking the tiger), my commitment to cycling (See June 25, 2005: Postcards from Guantanamo), and because I originally broke the story for STB,J! (See July 7, 2005: Reverse-engineering for truth), the board selected me for its first ever remote assignment. Also, my wife, who is a member of the board, recommended me for the assignment.

The truth is out there
Sort of

My grueling two-week junket will start at the Old Course in St. Andrews, Scotland, where I will witness Saturday's round of the British Open golf tournament. This field research will provide the background information necessary to understand what the kind of weather and trail conditions the POTUS was facing out there that day.

At this point, the rest of the itinerary is TBD, but I have vowed to go to the ends of the Isles to determine the following:

  • How fast was Bush actually traveling?
  • Who was responsible for the collision?
  • What happened to the bike?
  • Was the POTUS wearing his mouthpiece?
  • Was the POTUS drunk on single malt or just power that day?
  • Could this tragedy have been prevented?
  • Was there a public relations cover-up to protect the POTUS's image?
  • Is there some way to get Karl Rove fired for this?
Drunk with power?
Or the hair o' the dog?

Because of vicious cost-cutting measures placed upon STB,J! by our efficiency and outsourcing consultants (Bob and Bob, LLC), I will be unable to post my news reports from the field. Regular blogging from this humble correspondent will resume on July 30, 2005.


Mileage: 70.38 km (43.7 mi) Time: 2:51:45 Avg: 24.6 km/hr (15.3 MPH) Max: 55.5 km/hr (34.5 MPH) Weight: 164.5

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