Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States (POTUS).

POTUS: Thank you, thank you. Whoa! Looks like a bunch a' buzzards circling the OK Corral in here. Heh-heh, heh-heh. No, I uh, I, I welcome these press conferences as a way to ca-mun-ni-cate directly to the American people without the big-media filter. OK then, let's see, Kipster from Fox News, whaddya got for me?

Kip Miller, Fox News: Sir, you've indicated that you will accept nothing less than total hegemony in American society and the world, how does cycling figure into this paradigm?

POTUS: Pair a' dimes? Heck, Kipster, you know as well as I do that it's gonna cost a lot more than that to buy, uh, to, to force-, to-aahhh, to convince the cycling folks to get on board with American righteousness. Scooter?

Scott Millbrook, Washington Times: Sir, I first want to just say thank you for being such a pillar of holiness and virtue, a pillar that floats the rest of us higher in His eyes, giving us the strength to push on against the liberal menace. And terrorists.

POTUS: Well, thank you Scooter, I do what I can, you know.

Millbrook: Mr. President, today you went on a mountain bike ride with a California resident named Cannonball. Sir, in these times, is it really safe to expose yourself to anybody from California? Is mountain biking that critical to homeland security?

POTUS: Hold up there Scoot', you know, you know I can only handle one question at a time here. Heh-heh, heh-heh. But really Scootiskus, as you know, I, you see, I, I fully understand what it takes to ride a bike and I, I intend to use the full resources of my man-date from the American people to combat whatever forces try to, whatever . . . whatever it is, whatever, . . . whatever needs combatin'!

Chorus: Mr. President, oh Mister President, sir, god on Mount Olympus sent to manifest his likeness about the earth, pray honor us with your prowess.

POTUS: Hold on there a second everybody, let me answer the man's question, that's what I'm here for. Heh-heh, heh-heh. You see this fandangulous seal here, that means I get to prattle endlessly on message in order to eat up enough time to be able to say I held a legitimate press conference. And you guys are too afraid of the Rovinator and Big Rush to muster much more than a whimper. Does that answer your question?

Georg Tschasky, ACLU Gazette: Not really, I would like to know-

POTUS: How 'bout you Stretch, what can I do ye for?

Lawrence Tinsley III, National Review: Some Democrats want only to spread negative impressions about the situation in Iraq by bringing it up incessantly, however, I think what most Americans really want to know is, how did today's ride go?

POTUS: Well Stretch, what I saw out there today, what the people told me is, heh-heh, heh-heh, people told me that they want roads. . . . They want roads ever'where so they can just get in their SUV and drive to any point in this great nation of ours. That's really what the founding fathers had in mind when they came to American to spread democracy and freedom in the New World. But the American people want roads so that they can drive to stores and buy things, and buy things from sm-all biz-ness-es and stim-mel-late the e-con-o-my. You see, that's how our economy works. People buy stuff from other people and that's how more stuff gets bought and sold and that's how people make money, and those are the people that count. You see, I understand that, I fully understand that.

And with the support and strength of the fine American people, we will accomplish our Republican goals of bringing petrochemical-dependent combustion engines to every corner of our fine country. And in doing so, we can help cement my legacy as a violent, um virule-, ah, vi- valiant crusader against e-vil and Terra'.

Lorenzo Jones, BET: But-

POTUS: Cookie, did you have something, I thought I saw your hand go up. No, no don't be shy, ask me anything, go on.

Lorna Doone, Christian Science Monitor: Is it true sir that mountain bikers such as Mr. Cannonball contribute to Terror by virtue of their godlessness?

POTUS: Heh-heh, heh-heh. You know Cookie, it's funny. You see, Terra's everywhere. It's everywhere. And I understand that, and I understand that the American people expect me to protect them and their children against Terra', wherever it is. And that's what America is all about, the children. We're a nation of children, you see . . . and, uh, um, I know I'm one of them.

You see, the best way to combat the Terra' crisis that is driving down the economy, and threatening our liberty, and keeping dow-, er, uh, pushing up, uh, it's, it's, uh, well it's keepin' the test scores down and that's something I just won't toller'ate.

Chorus: Ahhhh.

[Transcriber's note: Here POTUS locks eyes with his favorite conservative reporter, gives one of those Alfred E. Neuman "what me worry" smirks, shrugs twice quickly, then starts that silent shoulder-curl laugh that he does when he just went poo in his diaper. Oh what a good boy he is, look honey, POTUS can poop himself, isn't that cute. Oh, our little POTUS. With crap like that, he could grow up to be President some day honey.]

John 3:14, TBN: Sir, the Lord decreed that it be in the 40s tonight in El Granada. How did that factor into your ride?

POTUS: Well J3, you know, you know, I know what's out there, and I know that what's out there wants to keep my kind, us, er, the A-mer-i-can people from being free, you see. I understand that, I fully understand that, you see, they hate freedom . . . and I won't back down from what's out there.

Juanita Gonzales, Telemundo: Sooo-

POTUS: You see, most times I've already made up my mind on things before I've even decided. Before all the facts come out and the trial lawyers get involved.

Drew Saether, Court TV: Trial lawyers?-

Limp Toothless, CNN: Mr. President, reports are that you just kind of noodled around on surface streets tonight.

POTUS: Slim Jimmy, you know, I, I do things a different way. I, I zag when they zag, I, uh, I, they zag and I zig, and I . . . you know, uh, look here, you see my man-date means I'll do what I think needs to be done, and that's the bottom line.

Toothless: Could I get a follow-up ques-

POTUS: No.

Toothless: My apologies for even asking sire.

Phyllis Schafley, Jr., Reactionary Role Call Weekly: Your majesty, leaks have surfaced indicating that even with the exertion of climbing to the El Granada lions' heads your feet were still cold. Also it's been rumored that your glasses didn't fog up in the cold air, it didn't rain, and you were perfectly layered. Sir, how do you account for such optimal conditions when the United States has not yet spread freedom to every strategically advantageous country in the world?

POTUS: Well Chafes, you know, it's like fool me once and then, and then shame on the second time, and then, . . . uh, uh, heh-heh, ya' know, uh, the, the third time's a charm. Soooo . . . OK, thank you everybody, God bless.

Chorus: Oh Mr. President, go forth and spread the word of the Lord using your office and us, the Fourth Estate, as the mouthpiece for your corporate conservative agenda. Lead on oh glorious sir.